(Dreams) Frozen In Time

Frozen in time
Waiting for life to start
Plain to see
Life took you unawares
You thought giant strides had been made
Cos you gave a 100%
After all the years gone by
Destiny still feels undecided
Somewhere deep down you know
Your life as you often dreamed it
Never really did start
Young dreams
Frozen in time
Fantasy never realised
But no regrets, you say
You’ll just keep living
Giving it all You’ve got
These dreams may yet unfreeze
Until then
No regrets to mourn

Some Relationships

I have seen a few
Some leave much to be desired
Though that’s not easy to spot
When you are just looking on the surface
I once knew a woman
Who alienated everyone
By her hostile attitude
Designed to protect her marriage
From those who felt she was unfit
She lived for the love of her husband
Nothing meant much to her
Unless it served to make him love her more
But he never really did as far I could see
Even her children were not spared
Her love for them if you could call it that
Was sacrificed on the altar of her relationship
I know what you are thinking
There are many types of relationships
It’s not always just about love
I wholly agree with you
As long as each one is honest about their main motives

I think he did care about her
He cared about her hardwork
The money and prestige she coveted for him
The cushioning against making his own decisions
He hid behind the hostility she created
Protected from the world
He probably hated it in the end
And finally on her death bed
A look at his face and if you knew him well enough
It was clear to see the hardened relief
Wrapped up in a veil of pretence
And I realised then
It was never really about love for him
Unfortunately that’s what it was for her
Until her dying day
She gave it all she had

Some Relationships
They are so engrossing
They demand one’s sweat and blood
And when they’ve given their all
It is still never enough
Perhaps you roughshod over your own judgement
You drain yourself physically and emotionally
Year in and year out
For a pittance described as love
Self esteem eroded
In bid to satisfy another
Who clearly needs what you are not made to give
Till all that’s left of you is ‘em’ ?
A confused version of the’me’you are
Because you have no idea who ‘me’ is anymore
It happens to both men and women
They choose a route not theirs
They sacrificed their ‘self’ on the alter of a relationship
Forgetting that it takes two ‘selfs’ not one
To form a new merged identity
But when one ‘self’ gets eroded
It’s like it never ever existed
Life becomes all about the other
Their triumphs, mistakes and needs
And a confusion about how it got that way
Cos you my friend got lost
Long before the deal got done

Then there are those ones
Best described as the ‘lucky’ ones
It is not luck at all
But good judgement and choice
Through all the ups and downs of life
Two souls harnessed together but utterly free
Yielded to each other but still allowed to be
It’s not even a measure of their equality
But rather of their ‘fit’
A unique understanding of the other’s ‘socialness’
Upbringings and orientations marched
Or at the very least well understood and accepted
They ‘get’ each other well
Sometimes ‘I get you’ means more than ‘I love you’.
They are not out to forcefully ‘mould’ each other
None is socially vulnerable with the other
No need to stamp one’s authority or a way of life
Which is ‘foreign’ to the other’s basic psyche
Ensuing in a lifelong battle
To make meaning out of something that just won’t fit.
The ‘lucky ones’ long understood
The status quo before there ever was a joining
They might not be the perfect couple
But their ‘fit’ is so unfeigned

Love does not conquer all
Even if that’s what you’ve been taught
Love is remarkable
Love does endure all
Even to the point of death
Relationships don’t have to be hell on earth
Just to prove love’s elasticity
When it comes to relationships
Understanding and ‘fit’ does conquer all
Don’t take endurance as a symbol of progress
Don’t abuse love, however you choose to define it
While many choose to sacrifice ‘self’ for love
They find that the love they are experiencing
Is often more ‘selfish’ than ‘selfless’
Even when its ‘selfless’
Their true self got lost along the way
And often all that remains is ‘less’
Much less than ‘nothingness’
Which most make do with
Until ‘death does do them part’

Dear friend who is making a choice
Please choose well
Use your head as much as your heart
Know yourself, your social psyche
What you can and cannot take
Be prepared to give and receive
Don’t loose yourself before the journey starts
It’s a lifelong one with many twists and turns
Seek the help of him who knows you best
Your maker, the one who knows the future.
Listen to your parents and those who know you well
Don’t try to be a hero
Rescue yourSelf first
Love is what you make it
It does not need to be dramatic
You are important and so is your future
Get your head out of the skies
Choose the one you can do life with
Growing old together
As a perfect fit.

Sadness Like A Cloak

Sadness wears me like a cloak

It is my familiar enemy

We were introduced when I arrived

On earth’s cold plane one lonely night

It has never let go of me since.

I see others happy all around

I am confused. What makes them so giddy?

I have much more than they do

And yet sadness still wears me like a cloak

I did not not choose it

I rejected it long ago

But whenever I try to move away

The stories of my life gives it new ground

A hold with which to claim me back

Sad little occurrences always set me back

Sadness uses every excuse to dump on me

To reel me back till I am taken over

By the darkness of my past experiences

Sadness know just what to do

To take me back to memories gone

The baby born on to a bare floor

Rejected by its father

Left with a lonely mother

Sadness made its first deposit that day

Family divided, standing alone,

Invisible child among the crowd

Accused, unloved, ostracised by those I call family

Sadness paid in another lump sum

No friends, no zest, no one to jive with

The odd one out

Can’t you tell by the ‘hand me downs’?

Can’t fit in and can’t say why

Sadness said I will be your friend

 

Thinking deep, covering my bases

Knowing vulnerability at a tender age

Licking my wounds, refusing to crumble

But sadness was always never far away

I learnt to survive not by being happy

But by letting sadness be my guide

Don’t tell me I have to show some happiness

I don’t know how, I am always looking out for sadness

Every good thing in my life

Has come tinged with sadness

I cannot oust it, it’s grown with me

Even when I am happy, I am sad

I try to shake it off but it’s worse than you know

What can I say, it’s not my cloak

I am the cloak that sadness wears

One little thing and I am all his again

Sadness knows me well, much too well

Forget happiness, its gone before it arrives

Don’t think I do not know happiness

I simply can’t hold it close

When Sadness still wears me like a cloak

I keep waiting for the light

Doing My Very Best

Sometimes I simply fail

To appreciate the trail

I have travelled so far

Ardently pursuing the bar

From as young as I can remember

I was told to do my very best

Be good to your brother

Respect your parents

Do all your homework

Get the Chores done

Be quiet, don’t talk back

Be a lady, be courteous

Smile, don’t frown

Don’t be lazy

Be a good woman

Be a good wife

You can do better than that

The children need you

Be responsible

Take care of the house

Go to work

Get home early

What’s for dinner?

Do the laundry

Bedtime stories

Cuddles, hugs and kisses

Call the parents

Visit the parents

Rescue the homeless

Comfort the sorrowful

Give some wise words

The list never ends

I bet you have some more for me

Much more to add to these

But today, as I reflect

I give myself a pat

A big pat on the back

And say softly to myself

Girl, just look down the trail

This trail you have travelled

You have not only been good

You have done your best

In spite of all the tests

Dont wait for more lists

To check what else needs doing

These lists never end

Especially the ones you didn’t write

There are others in other spheres

Ready and willing

To tell you what is expected of you

Mostly what they dare not expect of themselves

Today I take a break

I survey the landscape of the past

And I say I have done my best

I do not say this lightly

I am my own worst taskmaster

But I am pleased with me

So today I crave your indulgence

Take a minute

To read my list

The one I have for you

It is just as long, as the one you have for me

And never ending too

But I won’t insist

On burdening you even further

You have done your best already

So take a break with me

Away from the unending expectations

Which we spend our days fulfilling

Constantly checking for the next

The next expectation on the list

Today, lets seek exemption

From people’s expectations

I can guarantee

That we will not get it

But lets take a break anyway.