Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; (1 Peter 3:1 KJV)
Men are not won by words which they cannot obey. They are however powerless when it comes to the impact of conversation. Conversation does not refer to what you say, but rather what you communicate. Communication which is wholesome, which is an experience in itself, the kind which is not just in words but is also a way of life, the conversation of the way you carry yourself, the way you extend yourself to your man, how you invite him in to the center of your life, how you serve and offer your giftings, that kind of conversation either wins your man to you or drives him away from you.
Men are not won by nagging words of harsh criticism or negative attitudes. They are won by the unique experience of you as a woman. Your dynamism and positivity. Your enthusiasm and hospitality. Your mystery and self respect. These are virtues that are not demonstrated in isolation. They are experienced only if you as a person embodies them. They cannot be faked over a long period of time.
In your interactions with your man, are you successful as an experience they cannot forget or get enough of? If so they will return again and again for more. They will be yours for keeps. I dont mean just sexually. I mean that nameless quality which the bile simply call virtue. That excellence that is equivalent to any tall order made on you or on your character or disposition as a woman. That sunshine in the rain quality. This is what attracts a man and is able to hold his attention in the long term. It takes more than your physical beauty, unless the man is a fickle one indeed.
I am not talking about manipulation, that is the device of a ‘strange woman’ and is not maintainable long term. You have to be authentically you, true to yourself and if that self needs changing, it is best changed by the word of God. A true change is evidenced by your ability to inculcate that change in your way of life long term.
So what do men need?
A man needs a reliable woman. Reliable in what she stands for and in what she is able to offer. Not one that changes with every wind so he is never sure what he is coming home to. He needs to be able to find in you a constant supply of ‘water in his own cistern’ to refresh and rejuvenate him and make him feel like a man. If he has to constantly drink waters out of his own cistern then he must find the fulfillment the word of God says he must find.
‘Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?’ (Proverbs 5:15-20 KJV)
An already refreshed man needs no water. It is the dry and the parched man who needs refreshing. A good woman is not put off by the ‘before’ demeanour of her man but is motivated by what she carries that can give him a great ‘after’ demeanour. How does the ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture of your man compare? How does he look after the experience of you? Is he worse for wear?
I see so many men who look like the weight of the world is upon their shoulders. Some speak big to pump themselves up and others simply withdraw from the game of life, satisfied with their present lot and admitting to themselves that they are not up to the task that other men aspire to. Their Cisterns are probably dry. They find no refreshing there.
Every man wants to be ‘a man’ and be recognised as such. They want to be seen as measuring up to the standard, as top of the pack, as the best at everything they do. They want to be able to shout out ‘Yeah, I am the man! ‘
You will agree with me that this is a very publicly demonstrative thing whose basis must be set in private over and over again. Unless your private applause of your man is validated by others in the ‘public’ as valid, a man is not satisfied. A man’s worth and value must be seen by his contemporaries, accepted by his enemies and his adversaries and acknowledged by other men who deem themselves as superior to him. This is the public arena in which he has to prove himself. A woman who is able to help him accomplish this; that is the woman most men are looking for. It takes a woman’s love, humility, expressiveness, adoration, praise, submission to her man, her beauty, gentleness, her truthfulness and honesty, her ownership of all his faults and his talents, so that she can apply herself to the task of helping him to trully become all that he yearns to be, both privately and publicly.
Unless her private praise of him matches what he hears and sees about himself outside, he cannot live it. This is because he will continue to doubt himself and he will not believe her praise is true until he can prove it to himself. This is why it is sad to pretend that your husband is what he is not. You have to acknowledge what he is, at least to yourself but more importantly you must identify and grasp what he can become, his potential and address him in the light of that until it becomes a reality.
A man needs to find his true self in the place of functionality, not idleness. A good woman helps him do so. It is in taking action that he learns his faults and weaknesses and his strengths and accepts the help he needs to acheive his potentials. A man needs a woman who encourages his functionality, not his excuses or his laziness. The man in him can only be acknowledged and applauded publicly in the place of functionality. He needs to prove his worth. He needs to be able to demonstrate his prowess, and hear his name resound in his own ears as he does so. Unless a man is supported and allowed to function as a man (that is, allowed to make decisons, exercise authority and bear the responsibility and consequences of the decisions he makes), he does not learn how to exercise power under control. He becomes an abuser, because he must do something that makes him feel like a man.This is where some of the male vices, including domestic violence unfortunately come from. It is also where the ego that drives men to achieve comes from. If it is not harnessed and fed right, it does not yield good fruits. It only yields wastage and loss and depression.
A man needs a woman who can hand him the tools because sometimes they just cant see it. This is what Jezebel tried to do for Ahab but in a very very bad way. Esther succeeded in her attempt not only saving a kingdom but saving her own people as well. Men are concrete thinkers, not abstract, feelings orientated or highly intuitive beings. There are exceptions though so dont make a rule of it. For a man to be involved in anything, you need to provide him with the tools to deliver. Both material and emotional tools. Give him a visual, a mental picture, a reason to think he is making the right decision, making the right moves. Give him the tools to work with.That is why God made everything before he made man and then gave him such things as he made for him to develop further and to replenish the earth. A man cannot work with emptiness. They cannot manage ‘a little’ unless they absolutely have to. They will try but they will be miserable doing so. They need all the tools assembled before them and with encouragement and the right motivating factor, I tell you what, they will do a mean job of fixing anything that needs fixing.
A man needs Adventure not chores. A woman can take next to nothing and make something out of it. If you give what a woman is able to come up with to a man he will take it on an adventure of a life time. He will come up with so many different ways of having fun with it because he will be restless until he has discovered all the things he can make from and with what has been given to him. If a man is not having fun with what he is doing or what he has, he begins to see it as work and not adventure, it holds no mystery for him, it becomes routine and he tends to withdraw from it.
Some of the most depressed men are the ones who are doing 9am to 5pm jobs not out of choice but necessity. Deep down, there may be other things they would rather do if they had the money and the time. So if a man is working to support you and his children, he sees it more as a sacrifice he is making for his family and expects gratitude for it. This gratitude must not be expressed in words only but in service, in submission and compliance with the little indulgences he allows himself which he needs to feed his starving masculine ego. Don’t tell a man he is wasting resources. It wounds his ego although truth be told he probably is wasting resources but now you know why. It’s because he needs an adventure.
A man wants a woman who knows and shows that he is not useless. There is no useless man. There are men who are lacking the necessary enablement to come into their own. He simply needs someone to identify his ‘shout’ and echo it to him in many different ways so much so that he begins to hear himself shouting it out, ‘Yeah I am the man’! You will see that within a short time he becomes confident and admirable. He does not need a quarrelsome, disrespectful, intimidating woman.
If a man gets hooked up with a woman who is not an enabler, he remains as he is, or worse, a duller version of his former self. Enabling a man is simply making him feel like a man so he does not have to demand it. It does not mean you become his slave or a door mat. It means you become his match, intelligence for intelligence, wit for wit, you give him beauty and softness, whispers of greatness in his ears, you challenge him respectfully to come up to who he can be.
As per the main verse above, a man needs subjection from his wife. He needs to know he has access to you and what you have to offer. It brings the creativeness out of him or the bully if he is not a man who is submitted to God. So God asks all wives to be in subjection to their own husbands. The man needs to see that he is in control of his kingdom otherwise he never believes he is a king and will continue to act the opposite. He needs to see the probability of conquering his challenges even if it’s just a little one as this enables him to keep going. Otherwise, he will move on to the next big thing which has the potential of being conquered. Sometimes that’s another woman who makes him feel good enough as a man. As a woman if you are submitted to a good man he brings out the best in you too. Most men like to be able to boast about their achievements or at the very least have others do so on their behalf. They like to show off what they’ve got. You, as his woman are his first advertisement.
A man’s poverty or current dismal state is not an excuse to turn him away from his assignment, his positioning or his cause. Don’t disrespect a man because he is poor.
Neither shalt thou countenance a poor man in his cause. (Exodus 23:3 KJV).
Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm. (Proverbs 3:30 KJV).
It is taboo to a man to be reproached or disrespected in his own house or territory by his own people particularly his wife and children.
For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. (Psalm 55:12, 13 KJV).
Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find? (Proverbs 20:6 KJV)
What a man can do for himself
- The worse thing that can happen to a man is to stop hearing his own shout whether within or without. What a man needs is to be proud of himself, and to have the assurance in himself that he is not a failure or a disappointment. It is on this basis that he remains faithful, both to his tasks, to his relationships and to himself. Otherwise, the switch goes off inside him and he simply shuts down. Faithfulness is required by God from every man, because God has committed resources to him and he must work them, grow them otherwise he becomes an irresponsible steward if he cannot develop what God has put at his disposal. A woman was made by God also as a resource bank for the man who marries her. She was made and brought to man to complete him. Inside her are all the reserve resources he needs. As a steward he must be able to access them, utilise them and develop them further. A woman must become a better version of herself in the hands of a good steward (man). ‘Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful’. (1 Corinthians 4:2 KJV).
- A man must keep hope alive no matter what. Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12 KJV). A man must commit himself to God so that his desires can come through because it is God that can direct his ways. The earlier he does so the quicker his hopes and dreams can become a reality. ‘Man’s goings are of the Lord; how can a man then understand his own way’? (Proverbs 20:24 KJV).’ Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long’. (Psalm 32:2, 3 KJV)
- Every man must realise that he was made for an assignment and God expects him to find it and deliver, which is what every resource in his life is for. Therefore God takes it seriously when a man is distracted or manipulated or disrespected so much so that he is disabled from doing what God has given him responsibility for. Respect however must be earned, not insisted upon. ‘To subvert a man in his cause, the Lord approveth not’. (Lamentations 3:36 KJV).
- It is up to every man to get the knowledge and understanding and wisdom he needs so he can achieve optimally. ‘A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength’. (Proverbs 24:5 KJV). Every man needs to be wise and humbly acknowledge the weakness within. It is a difficult thing for a man to do. However, unless he is wise, he reduces his strength. ‘It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath borne it upon him. He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope. He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach’. (Lamentations 3:26-30 KJV)
For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? (Proverbs 6:23-27 KJ