POEMS

Under Siege (Imprisoned By Emotions)

I simply want to be happy

I simply want to be me

I admit I often get confused

Which kind of happy I mean

It depends on the mood I’m in

I am besieged by emotions

They just won’t let me be

 

Today I’m super happy

Yesterday I couldn’t care less

I was kind of morose last week

When I suddenly felt so alone

Misunderstood and unappreciated

It’s quite a shock to feel that

In the midst of kind and thoughtful people

Who sometimes get on my very last nerve

For reasons  I just can’t fathom

 

There was this day I remember so well

I received great great news,

News I thought will never come

All my emotions went haywire

I just didn’t know what to feel

 

One minute I wanted peace and quiet

The next minute I wanted to scream

So I made demands and shouted at everybody

They thought, ‘let’s give her some space’

That made me mad as hell

Its not space I want, not at all

Why can’t people read between the lines

How could they leave me now

When I need lots of hugs and cheers

A bit of fuss will do to make me feel important

After all, this is my big day

The day I have waited so long for

 

So after a few minutes of misery

I guilted them into coming back

It was obvious they couldn’t figure out

Which mood was in control of me now

They sat gingerly awaiting my cue

All of a sudden I came alive

 

I cooked a big big meal

‘It’s celebration time’, I announced

‘I finally made manager in my workplace

The first female to break the glass ceiling’

I have slaved and sweated for years,

Done things I couldnt begin to tell you

Now my dream has finally come true

I am now officially successful and it feels like a waste

 

Halfway through dinner I broke down in tears

Big huge sobs of despair

I was quite shocked myself

This should be one of the happiest days of my life

But I simply felt hollow inside

Nothing like I imagined I would feel

How can I celebrate

When I have to work longer hours now

Longer hours from my children and spouse

Who I have nearly lost along the way

 

What kind of wife and mum will I be

What does the future hold

What more would I have to sacrifice

Drained, Uncertain, Confused

Angry at the unfairness of it all

Resolutely determined to crack the code

To solve this mystery of emotional dilemmas

That has eluded womanhood for centuries

 

I simply want to be happy

I simply want to be me

I never seem to quite get there

Always besieged between the two

I really love taking care of my home

And I desperately love being boss at work

I feel guilty when I am there

And depressed when I am not.

 

I am under siege from my emotions

They mirror my tumultuous life

All I want is to be the woman I dreamt I could be

Just to be happy with the choices I make

All I want is to be free to choose

To be me and to be happy as me

Whatever that will be or entail

But I am a woman under siege

Who has lost the real definition

Of what it means to be me

The compass is distorted, the map is unclear

Which one is the route for my lifelong pursuit of Happiness.

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5 thoughts on “Under Siege (Imprisoned By Emotions)”

  1. Good morning,
    Oh my dear, I can feel where you are at. We as women have this dilemma built within us. We crave to be the best homemaker, the best wife in the world, but are besieged by our own desires to excel at what has also been planted deep within us, and that is the desire to become what we were supposed to become.

    I don’t have children, but I wanted to have them. I couldn’t, so I compensated by adopting a newborn child from everyone of my musicians. They are my godchildren. It is only now that I see how significant the role of godmother is. You know my godchildren can talk to me about things that they wouldn’t talk to their parents about, unless I prodded them into doing it. In other words, some of them come to me first and cry on my shoulders. Why? Because I am out there. I am a musician and writer that go through emotional changes of getting gigs, being rejected and of being accepted. If I had only stayed at home, I would not be able to understand the stress of being self-employed as an artist.

    You want to be a happy wife? Then find yourself outside of the role of wife. You are more than a title. We all are, but we just don’t see it. We hide ourselves behind the title of our husband, boyfriend, live in partner and stifle our dissatisfaction with ourselves by living someone else’s life vicariously. Any partner who wants you to do that has failed to find his own happiness!

    When will we learn that we can only give those things that we feel inside of our ourselves. That joy comes from the innate sense we have of doing what we were called to do. It doesn’t matter whether it is housewife, career woman, or both. So, if you have to juggle the sticks for a while until you find your balance, then do it, but you will find your balance and when you do, you will look back at this moment in your life and say, “Girlfriend, am I glad that I didn’t give up and follow the emotional carousel I was on and give up my leadership position I have desired all my life.”

    The carousel will stop once you adjust and you will find yourself balancing everything beautifully. You are where you want to be, so start adjusting, you can do it!

    By the way, congratulations on your promotion. I’m proud of you, Lady.

    Shalom,
    Patricia

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    1. I am definitely somewhere in this poem but alas! no promotion for me. I try to put myself in another person’s shoes and write. I mostly write from observation but like they say, if the writing is honest, it cannot be separated from the writer. I love your thoughts on this. Very Encouraging Patricia. Thank you. You are an inspiration for sure. Annd wise too.

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  2. Thanks Selasie. Very well said! Women! We are complex beings and very much emotional, but that’s part of what makes us who we are. But unfortunately we are most of the time misread and don’t get the reaction we really desire and expect.
    I believe to live the life you really want you have to make sacrifices, even if you’ve really worked hard to earn it. The bottom line is your happiness. Choose what fulfills you ultimately. In life we make sacrifices but at any point in time it has to be the right ones. Choose what makes you happy, what you can live with.

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    1. Hello Pamela,

      Thanks for visiting my blog especially tonight. Let me know which of my new writings you like. Haven’t been able to write much lengthier material recently. Hopefully the nnew year will bring a fresher start. Thank you and Merry Christmas to you and the family.

      Like

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