Under Siege (Imprisoned By Emotions)

I simply want to be happy

I simply want to be me

I admit I often get confused

Which kind of happy I mean

It depends on the mood I’m in

I am besieged by emotions

They just won’t let me be

 

Today I’m super happy

Yesterday I couldn’t care less

I was kind of morose last week

When I suddenly felt so alone

Misunderstood and unappreciated

It’s quite a shock to feel that

In the midst of kind and thoughtful people

Who sometimes get on my very last nerve

For reasons  I just can’t fathom

 

There was this day I remember so well

I received great great news,

News I thought will never come

All my emotions went haywire

I just didn’t know what to feel

 

One minute I wanted peace and quiet

The next minute I wanted to scream

So I made demands and shouted at everybody

They thought, ‘let’s give her some space’

That made me mad as hell

Its not space I want, not at all

Why can’t people read between the lines

How could they leave me now

When I need lots of hugs and cheers

A bit of fuss will do to make me feel important

After all, this is my big day

The day I have waited so long for

 

So after a few minutes of misery

I guilted them into coming back

It was obvious they couldn’t figure out

Which mood was in control of me now

They sat gingerly awaiting my cue

All of a sudden I came alive

 

I cooked a big big meal

‘It’s celebration time’, I announced

‘I finally made manager in my workplace

The first female to break the glass ceiling’

I have slaved and sweated for years,

Done things I couldnt begin to tell you

Now my dream has finally come true

I am now officially successful and it feels like a waste

 

Halfway through dinner I broke down in tears

Big huge sobs of despair

I was quite shocked myself

This should be one of the happiest days of my life

But I simply felt hollow inside

Nothing like I imagined I would feel

How can I celebrate

When I have to work longer hours now

Longer hours from my children and spouse

Who I have nearly lost along the way

 

What kind of wife and mum will I be

What does the future hold

What more would I have to sacrifice

Drained, Uncertain, Confused

Angry at the unfairness of it all

Resolutely determined to crack the code

To solve this mystery of emotional dilemmas

That has eluded womanhood for centuries

 

I simply want to be happy

I simply want to be me

I never seem to quite get there

Always besieged between the two

I really love taking care of my home

And I desperately love being boss at work

I feel guilty when I am there

And depressed when I am not.

 

I am under siege from my emotions

They mirror my tumultuous life

All I want is to be the woman I dreamt I could be

Just to be happy with the choices I make

All I want is to be free to choose

To be me and to be happy as me

Whatever that will be or entail

But I am a woman under siege

Who has lost the real definition

Of what it means to be me

The compass is distorted, the map is unclear

Which one is the route for my lifelong pursuit of Happiness.

Three Lovely Questions – My Answers

Someone recently asked me three lovely questions. Since I will have to give them my answers tomorrow (actually today as it is 3 am now), I am sitting down to reflect and find answers straight from my heart. So here goes……..

 

1. What identity means to you?

Identity to me means understanding all the facets of my life and how they fit into the big picture so that I am able to accept who I truly am (both my past and present) and to use this as a stepping stone and something to work with on my journey to becoming all I am destined to be ( which because of my faith is totally linked to God’s revelation to me of myself and my future). 

My identity is found and expressed in

Who I know I am (Not just according to me but also according to the word of God)

The things I do – My life’s purpose, the reason  I think I exist

The things I refuse to do – My boundaries and principles and Values

My commitment to what and who I am becoming.

(Notice, I didn’t include what I have, because that can be taken away and I still have to be me).

 

2.Why you write?

 

I found out at an early age that I loved solitude and my own company. When I am alone and undisturbed, inspired thoughts come to me, which often clarify something I have experienced or observed in my own life or in the lives of others. These often help me answer the ‘W’ questions – Why? What? Who? When? Where? Etc. When I was a child I did not know how to use this gift properly and will write long letters to my parents, friends etc expressing my disgust at something which they had done which I felt was wrong.

It was only later that I realised that my writing was a gift from God to be used specifically to question life and to provide answers or routes out of dysfunction. Many find ‘life’ difficult and confusing. Many write to educate others on different topics. Unlike them I do not consider myself an expert. I write first and foremost to give myself a chance to make sense of life. I write so that I can take a walk of reflection with someone else, so they know they are not alone in the way they feel, so my words can give expression to what they feel but cannot fully express or make sense of as yet. In coming to an understanding of the ‘whys’ they can perhaps begin to live life on an even keel with some strength and fortitude, finding ad paving a way through the darkness that sometimes surrounds us all. I like to think that I am a voice in the gap between where you are now and where you will like to be. At least that is my aim.

I am also preacher, so I tend to write messages putting my own reflective stamp on them so readers can understand the word of God and what it says about them a bit better.

I think I will have mental overload if I don’t write. My brain and thinking processes will get blocked. Writing is almost an offloading process for me.

Writing comes easily to me. It is a great blessing which I am only now beginning to take seriously.

 

3. What it means to be a woman?

Well, since I could very easily write volumes on this, to help me be brief, I will answer it in a poem.

 

Being Woman is versatility

Changing change itself

Being Woman is richness held in store

A bank that never runs out

Being Woman is beauty covering strength

Making the undo-able do-able

With grace and fortitude

Being woman is unveiling true greatness

Through sheer tenacity of spirit and grit

Without showing signs of breaking a sweat

Being woman is gentleness that remains true

And is not disfigured by pressure

 

Being woman is wisdom expressed

In more ways than the obvious

Being woman is elegance

Revealed through humility

Being woman is virtue

Having the ability to rise to every challenge

Being woman is Influence

Often without saying a word

 

A Woman is:

Softness, enfolding pain and healing it

Hardness, bringing change even without provision

Endurance, the expression of staying power

The kind only God can give

 

Woman is me

Whatever I need to be

To meet the needs in my world

Woman is embracing my uniqueness

As a treasure and a gift

That cannot be undone

The future awaits me

It is all mine

I am WOMAN !!!